Chapter 19 ~ Tough Love

A Bella Swan POV

"Jake, stop it!"

"Take it back, Bells."

"Noooooo…stop! Oh my god that tickles!"

"Say you love me."

"Okay, okay! I love you!"

"Annnnd…."

I paused.

I should have known it then.

I did know it then.

"And?"

"Say it Bella. Please."

And how could I say no to him?

How?

"I'll marry you, Jake."

I waved the bangs out of my face as I drove and thought, if only I'd known then, what I know now…or, at least acknowledged that I knew what I already know.

Or…something.

My stomach was tight with nerves and I began babbling incessantly to myself, to try and make sense of the mess I'd made.

I had followed Jake's insane driving back to where he was staying in Napa and practically jumped out of the truck without even stopping to try and catch up with him.

"Jake," I called out as he continued to walk away from me.

Hoping he'd stop.

Hoping he wouldn't.

Hoping I had something to say passed, Jake.

I hated this.

Hated having to leave Edward they way I had…but this was…I mean…It was Jake.

I'd known him my whole life, basically…we'd spent countless hours together, pining away together, over…everything…he was my best…friend…and I was bound to him.

If not for life, as his wife…at the very least, as his soul mate…his friend, and he deserved better than to walk up on the scene that he'd just witnessed.

I pleaded one last time as he entered the old bed and breakfast looking establishment.

"Jake."

He finally stopped but he didn't look at me. He just did this sort of, half turn thing he always did when he wasn't interested in anyone seeing his true emotions.

"I don't understand Bella…" he choked out and I hated the cracks in his voice. "Explain this to me."

I awkwardly waited for a few people to walk passed before I continued my pleading.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed.

Knowing I'd hurt him.

Knowing it was inevitable.

Then, slowly, he turned and looked at me, with disappointment in his eyes.

I hate this.

"How did we go from being only a few short weeks away from spending our lives together to…"

He didn't finish his sentence.

I don't think he knew where we stood, still…despite the circumstances.

"Can we please talk?" I asked him and he was hesitant, but then nodded and I followed him in, and up to his room.

He threw his keys down onto the table that was sitting next to his bed and began packing his things up.

It looked to me as if he'd planned on staying a little longer than just an afternoon.

He probably hadn't planned on finding you on the ground, underneath Edward Cullen.

I sat down on to the edge of his bed.

Quietly at first.

Watching him as he ignored me and I could see his jaw tightening and relaxing as he walked by the few times it took to gather his few things from the closet.

I pushed down the burning sensation in my chest, as thoughts of Edward continued to crowd my mind.

Thoughts about how much I'd come to care about him in such a short time.

No, it was surely more than just caring about someone.

It was something I hadn't experienced previously; based on the reactions my body had to his touch…his kiss…his smile, even. The way I couldn't stop thinking about him, even as I slept.

But then, I also remembered, he'd be leaving me soon.

My mind raced, immediately to Jake, and I thought about the life we could have had together.

It could have been a nice one.

It wasn't like I didn't care deeply for him.

And he obviously loved me.

Our families were practically merged, already.

It would have been…easy.

I shook my head and looked down at my hands as they wringed around each other, nervously.

Because in the end I knew that, now that I'd met Edward, and I had learned that love is so much more than, comfort, and familiarity…

More than being easy…

That I couldn't go back to the life I'd been living.

Or rather, not living.

Edward had given me something he couldn’t take back.

Something I didn’t want to give back.

"Can I ask you something?"

He kept moving.

Kept avoiding.

"Sure."

I stood and stopped him.

"Jake."

He looked at me, then.

And I shook with dread, knowing I'd put that pain there, in his eyes.

My head fell, and tears began welling up in my own.

And Jake…being Jake…well, he relaxed a little, and breathed…and took my chin with his fingers, lifting my watery eyes to his.

"We can still go home, Bells. We can forget about this and go home. I love you."

I wondered if he even knew it wasn’t the right kind of love as the salty wetness fell down my cheek and he was quick to brush it away, just like he had so many times over the years.

But it wasn't the same.

It never would be.

"Why did you go to work?" I asked him, before I decided I didn't want to know.

"What?"

"Why was your first reaction, after getting my message, to go to work?"

"I…" he laughed a short laugh through his nose. "I told you, it was an emergency…for a client and I…"

"You what?" I asked, tilting my head.

Not angry.

Just…wanting to understand…or maybe, wanting him to understand what I already knew.

He let me go, then, and sat down.

I joined him.

"I don't know, I…" he laughed again.

But not really.

"I didn't want to let the client down…and…"

His eyes met mine and he saw it.

He saw the knowledge there, as I watched him try to explain his actions away.

"I didn't even know the stupid message was there until I went to erase them…”

He turned his head away, looking for something else to focus on, other than me.

“For some reason I listened in case I'd forgotten something…or…someone."

He shook his head.

"At first I thought you were joking…and then, I could hear it in your voice…but…"

He stopped and looked at me again.

"But what? Jake…"

"I figured you had the jitters or something, Bells…I wanted to give you some time, to…I don't know, work through this…thing…"

"This thing?"

He couldn't look at me anymore, for the next part.

"Yeah, you know…phase, or…whatever."

"You think I'm going through some phase?" I was getting defensive…I could feel it. And I wanted to tell him to go to hell for insinuating that Edward was a phase.

That what we had was something as petty and insignificant as a phase.

"Well what else would you call it?"

A revelation?

A major discovery?

An ah ha moment?

Before I could say anything to him, he said, "Don't answer that, please," and then he closed his eyes, thinking. And I owed him the truth. After everything we'd been through together, that was the least I could do for him.

I took a shaky breath of air into my lungs.

"I shouldn't have said yes, to you, Jake," I told him quietly.

"Bella," he took my hands and pulled me closer but I took them from him and placed them against his chest.

Gently, pushing him away.

"I knew we weren't right…like this…I knew it and I said yes anyway, because I was selfish, and I didn't want to lose you…I didn't want to lose us…but…"

"Please don't do this."

"I can't…not do this."

"Is this over that…guy…the one you were making out with?"

And it sounded…ugly, when he said it.

I scowled at him.

"I wasn't…" I started, but really, I couldn't deny what we'd been doing on the ground next to that grape bin.

I didn't want to.

And it would have been disrespectful toward Edward and what he was to me, so what I ended up saying, simply, was, "No."

And it was the truth.

I hadn't left him because of Edward. But he was my purpose for remaining in Napa.

"But he is the reason I can't go home with you."

"What did I do, Bella? Just tell me what I did and…I'll fix it."

"You can't fix what wasn't broken, Jake."

"I can't live without you in my life."

"I'm always going to be in your life…" I hope. "I want to be in your life…always…just…not the way we'd talked about me being in it."

He was silent and my heart was breaking.

Because I knew Jake.

I knew he'd put a wall up between us, after this.

For a time, anyway.

"Jake," I whispered and he wouldn't look at me.

"Do you really want to marry someone who you wouldn't drop everything for…to find her, no matter what else was pressing…and confess your undying love for, the minute you heard her say she was breaking off your engagement?"

I waited, swallowing tears I refused to let control this conversation.

“Do you really want to marry someone who’s heart isn’t yours and yours alone?”

The silence was killing me.

It was deafening.

And finally, after something had crossed his mind, as he sat there thinking it through…he cracked a half smile for me.

It wasn't a real smile.

Not a Jake smile.

It was a polite one.

One that told me, he understood. And he didn't like it.

"Your mother isn't going to be happy when I get back to Chicago without you."

And yeah, I could understand his concern.

"I'll deal with mom."

He looked at me, with this…odd expression on his face and I could feel my eyebrows grow closer. "What?" I asked him.

"You're different."

I smiled. "I am."

Because it wasn't a bad sort of different.

It was good.

This was good.

A thoughtful sigh from him, and, "Guess we shoulda known better, huh?"

"I think we did know better, Jake."

"Yeah," he admitted and I felt a glimmer of hope, that he would forgive me some day.

After some awkward questions about Edward and how this whole…whatever it was started, I saw both comprehension and maybe a tad bit of jealousy in Jake's eyes as he began to realize that what we had was not what either of us should have been satisfied with.

It was love.

There was no doubt about that.

But it wasn't the right kind of love.

The kind that makes your knees shake and your heart burst and when you think about being with them…forever…you want to cling to them, not run away.

Once we were drained and empty of words to say, he stood up, gathering his suit case and things…and I followed suit. As we stood facing each other, he dropped his bags, then put his arms around me and hugged me, securely.

I returned the gesture and closed my eyes tight, hoping this wouldn't be the last time I saw him.

"Where are you going? After he's…you know…"

Gone.

"I'm not sure," I said with a small pain growing inside of my heart and a slight shrug. "Maybe Silicon Valley."

It was an attempt at a joke and Jake obliged my antics by pretending to laugh with me, as we walked slowly down the stairs of the bed and breakfast to the front desk.

He paid his tab, then I helped him get his things into his rental car and I watched him drive away.

Out of my life.

Just like that.

I should have felt something.

And I guess I did.

I felt somewhat of a loss.

Maybe some sadness that a chapter of my life that had been important to me was over.

But all I could really think about…was Edward.

As exhausted as I felt, I wanted to go find him, then.

Needed to explain things…make him understand my actions, earlier in the day.

So, I drove back over to the festival grounds and looked for him but he'd gone, already.

And so had Emmett and Rose.

Dammit.

However...who I did find…unfortunately, was Felix Volturi.

"Bella…Swan…where's your boyfriend?" he laughed and I growled, internally wishing he would stop…calling me that.

"The one you chased after, that is,” he added, teasingly.

"He's not my boyfriend, Felix, and…" Then, I noticed the scrapes and bruises and… “What happened to your face?”

A look of hatred and I knew before he even said it, even though I couldn’t imagine him doing such a thing to someone. “Why don’t you ask Edward when you see him next…” he laughed. “If you see him again, that is.”

What did that mean?

“Edward…did this?” I said, not able to stop myself from reaching up to his temple, that looked to have a small gash, but was covered with a bandage so I didn’t really get a very good look.

“Lucky punch,” he said, pulling his face away from my hand…almost smiling and I realized, even more so, that I really needed to go see Edward…and tell him Jake was gone.

Explain to him why I’d had to go after him…and that I’d ended things once and for all.

Live, this time.

"Look I'm, running kind of late, so…"

"Let me give you a lift," he offered, chasing after me.

Okay….Knows I have a boyfriend…or two…why the offer?

"Have a car…" I smiled, jingling my keys for him to see.

"That old piece of junk?"

I rolled my eyes and kept walking.

And he followed.

"Ya know, you're wasting your time with Cullen, Bella Swan."

I ignored him.

I didn’t even like the way he said my first name, much less the entire thing.

"You need someone who's got a little pull around here…"

Asshole.

"Someone who's not the town idiot."

And that burned me.

So I spun around on him and he stopped short…but was still laughing, quite amused with himself. Which annoyed…the living…HELL out of me.

And I was fairly certain that he had a hard on, he looked like the type to get off on making people uncomfortable…although I didn't dare look directly at it…for fear he might have taken that as an invitation.

"Edward is not an idiot, Felix," I told him flatly…in warning.

"Sure he is, just ask him," he said, jovially…as though he was chit chatting with some college frat friend of his, or something.

"Do you have some sort of…my dick is bigger than your dick, thing going on with Edward or something, Felix? I mean…what is your problem?"

"Do you wanna be the judge of that contest?" he asked, waggling his disgusting eyebrows at me.

"Look," I said, feeling the urge to nut punch that fucking. Dick… "I don't know what happened between the two of you…I don't know what happened with your family's vineyard…but I'm starting to get the distinct impression…" from your clear lack of respect for all things human… "That maybe there's more to this story that either one of you are telling people."

And I might have said the wrong thing, then.

Or perhaps…it was the right thing.

Because he became more serious, all of a sudden.

And it gave me the chills, the look on his face.

Bad chills…the kind that you get when you’re watching a horror flick and you see the killer standing right behind the unknowing victim.

"You should mind your own business, when it comes to my family."

"Really? Because something tells me, Edward might disagree with you."

"Edward," he said, stepping closer to me…crowding me…making me fully aware of the fact that he was cornering me. "Won't be here much longer, considering his dad's about to kick the bucket, finally."

Finally?

"And when he's gone…" he leaned in, closer, still and I tried backing up some more, but was out of room.

Then he put a hand on my arm, pulling me in, even more. "I'll still be here…only maybe not so nice."

My eyes darted around us.

There weren't many people left, walking around, and it was getting late.

Dusk was approaching, but still, I couldn't believe no one stopped to say something to this…

Jerk off.

I pulled my arm but he held on to it, firmly and I looked him dead in the eyes.

I'd taken a few self defense classes, back in Chicago...Jake had basically forced me too, after some break ins, in our neighborhood…but Felix...he was...big...and very much invading my personal space.

"Get your hand off of me, Felix. I may be smaller than you, but I'm like a rabid fox when I want to be…I'll scratch your eyes out if I have to."

And the grin.

Ewe.

"Just the way I like it," he murmured as his lips widened into an eerie expression.

Gross.

Then his free hand…

It was sliding up my leg, toward places I only liked Edward to explore and before either of us knew it, I'd successfully pulled away from him, finally and slapped his face as hard as I could.

And ow…fuck me.

My breathing was heavy.

My blood was rushing through my veins.

And I was pretty sure I was beat red from the anger.

But Felix just stood there.

He didn't even bat an eyelash, he just…

Smirked at me.

And I was abruptly aware that we were in between a couple of abandoned vendor tents…alone…and it was now definitely darker out.

I felt my breath become shaky as he went to take another step closer.

"Help ya with somethin', there, Felix?" a vendor finally asked and I didn't move an inch. Didn't lose the eye contact with Felix.

"We're all fine, here, Bill…move along."

I worked to control my breathing so as not to hyper ventilate and pass out...because then who knew where I might have ended up.

"Is there a…problem, here, Miss?" he asked me.

Hesitantly…but hell, at least he’d asked.

"No problem," I said and then I gathered myself and left the two of them standing there as I walked as fast as I could, hoping I didn’t look like I was running, back to the truck and headed to the Hales to clean up.

My hands were trembling, the entire way.

I mean…what was that?

And why did I have the strangest feeling that Felix's actions somehow tied back to Edward's problems with him?

When I pulled up to the house, I could see the people inside.

Laughing, joking, cooking dinner…

Being a family.

And I didn't want to disturb that happiness, so I walked passed them.

Head down. Quick feet.

But not quick enough.

"Hey...Bells!" Emmett called to me and I stopped, turned...and smiled. "Hey."

"Everything go okay with you?  I was...I mean, we…were a little worried."

He eyed me a little suspiciously.

I was probably over smiling.

I do that.

"Oh, yeah...Jake's...gone," I said, sadly and he hugged me into him, rubbing my back to console me and I relaxed into him.

I'd needed that more than I had realized, after the Felix confrontation.

"Hey..." he said quietly. "You okay?"

I nodded, afraid to speak.

Afraid I'd just lose it all together and go hysterical in front of the Hales and Rose, but then, Emmett pulled me away from his warm arms.  "What happened?  He hurt you?"

"What?"

And I saw anger growing in his face.  "That Jake guy?  Did he touch you?  Because..."

"Oh God, No...no Emmett...Jake was..." I sighed. "He was hurt, but he would never hurt me...it was just...I mean I ran into Felix Volturi at the fairgrounds, looking for you…or Edward…or…anyone…and the guy just...he kinda creeps me out, is all."

I shrugged as though Felix’s hands were still on me and Emmett’s brow furrowed.

“Did he…”

I shook my head. “He was just…really pushy, I’m fine though.”

“Why do I have a feeling you’re not telling me everything?” he asked, narrowing his eyes at me.

Because I’m not.

Because I don’t want anyone or anything giving him a heads up that I’m going to do some digging about him and his…extra curricular activities.

I lifted a shoulder and gave him an innocent look, smiling a little. “I dunno.”

Another moment of him trying to read my mind and he finally gave in to my highly influential wording.

Or maybe he was just too tired to argue with me.

“Kay, well…let me know if you need…anything.”

“I will,” I assured him and then I finished my ascent up the stairs to take a long…hot shower.

One that nearly scolded my skin…but still…I felt better once I was out of the clothes I'd been in all day, and...clean.

I started to leave for the night, telling the Hales I wouldn't be back but that I would be finishing up some things on their website first thing in the morning.

As I opened the door, Emmett stopped me, one more time.

“Bells, you goin’ over to Edwards?”

I twisted my mouth a little.  “Yeah.”

“Could you tell him…” he started but then seemed to have some sort of second thought about something and his eyes fell. “Nevermind…maybe I’ll tell him myself,” he finished and then just added with a slight grin, “Have a good time.”

He winked and then went back to Rosalie, who was waiting on the couch for him, in the den and she waved as I left.

Edward and Emmett…they were going to have to hash a few things out eventually, I thought and I sighed.

Heavily.

I felt helpless, and pissed off...and just all around...tired.

And as I stared out at the darkened road in front of me while I drove, I pictured the look on Edward’s face, as I left him standing there at the festival, earlier in the day and I couldn’t bear it.

Couldn’t bear hurting not only my oldest friend…but my…

Well I mean, what could have literally been…the love of my life.

That was  the only way I could think of to describe him, all of a sudden.  I mean, passion, bursting from within me…aching when I was around him…dying for him to put his hands on me again…wanting to feel him inside of me…all the time.

The sting of those words, in my head…I didn’t know what to do with that information.

With knowing that my feelings for him were so strong, so inevitable…so, matter of fact…I hadn’t meant for it to happen, and I certainly didn’t want to make him feel any sort of pressure with regards to how I felt…

I just…I needed to see it in his eyes.  To feel it in his kiss, again.

That he wasn’t angry with me.

That we were still…us.

Before long, I was safe on the Cullen's property. I parked the truck as close to the front door as possible…still a little jittery about my encounter with the town bully, then I practically ran up to the front door.

I banged on it as hard as I could until it swung open.

But it wasn't who I'd expected to answer.

"Alice, is…"

"He's out back," she said before I could finish, then opened the door wider, so I could come in and I was quite rude, in comparison to recent visits.

I didn't have any polite words for her.

No pies.

No questions about whether she'd had a good time at the festival, with Jasper, or not.

I couldn’t have cared less about anyone or anything as I bee-lined for the stairs that led me to Edward's back patio.

Where…

He definitely was not sitting.

Or standing.

Or drinking wine…or pacing or brooding…or…

"Where the hell are you?" I whispered, peeking back inside, then around corners until finally, Alice appeared again.

She seemed amused at my frantic approach to searching for Edward, then nodded out toward the vines.

"He's out there, somewhere…"

"Out in the…" I thumbed over my shoulder toward the cluster upon cluster of grape vines. "But it's nearly midnight."

She let some air huff out through her nose. "I know…he's been out there a while, too."

I stared out, trying to see him, but I couldn't.

"Probably over by the raspberry bushes," she said, giving me a hint of where to start and I started off, without hesitation.

"Everything…squared away then?" she asked me and I could see the look on Jake's face, again, when he left, stopping me short.

"Yes," I told her, not looking back and I heard her leaving the room, again.

"Alice," I called to her as I turned around and she faced me, waiting for the question.

"Is he…okay?"

And she smiled. "I think he will be," she said, then continued up the stairway, leaving me to go searching again.

I walked out into the grape vines, wondering why he'd be out there.

Wondering what could have been going through his mind after hours of sitting alone like that.

And when I finally saw him, off to the edge of the fields, by the raspberry bushes that Alice had hinted about, I slowed my walk, as I approached him, trying to feel his mood.

I didn't like this one, I decided, as I watched him just...staring at nothing...and everything.

Edward seemed…

Resolved.

And I hoped it wasn't about me.

Or my stupidity with regards to my life up to this point.

And before I could act on the insecurities I was feeling.

Or the doubts I was suddenly having about whether he even wanted me there…

I went to him.

Because that was where I belonged.

A/N: Tough wines are roughly textured, often as a result of too much tannin.